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Why getting dorsum with an ex is and then compelling

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You bankrupt up, for good reasons. So why do so many old couples reunite further downward the line?

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Before this summer, 17 years after they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an net barrage of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users akin tin't look away.

Only perhaps the most relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what'southward otherwise a glory-gossip story is that exes establish dear once more.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who tin't take a hint. Only rebuilding a human relationship can also be a tempting venture and fifty-fifty a goal for some people, specially when the success stories sound similar something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who break up and become back together is equally high as 50%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amid a global health crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people found themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to find that erstwhile spark.

Experts say that, if both quondam partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own tin yield positive benefits – if y'all're willing to put in a lot of piece of work, and accept an open mind.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-inbound a erstwhile relationship is that yous by and large know what yous're getting into. "In that location tin can be some real advantages to really knowing a partner well before giving a long-term human relationship a try again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Institute, an organisation that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, coin, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Even happy couples have them, since a relationship is always fundamentally ii different people with different personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex can pb to a fairy-tale happy ending, but only if both partners seriously revisit what went incorrect before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make upwards 69% of the problems most couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, wearisome-called-for issues are the existent relationship toxicant – not big, explosive, unmarried events or confrontations. "Most marriages or relationships end past ice instead of burn down," says McNulty. Some couples "detect it too difficult to talk about or work on differences effectually primal issues. They often grow more than distant, and [get] more like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may want to become dorsum together with an sometime partner, or to effort and stick it out with their electric current ane. Because while we oftentimes go into a new human relationship expecting it'll be better than the last, McNulty urges some caution: "If you're in a relationship and you're thinking about leaving, be conscientious, because you're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with ane partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

And so if you get dorsum with an ex, y'all at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"Y'all're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex therapist, and offshoot professor of psychology and didactics at Teachers College, Columbia University, in New York City. For some people, it feels "amend to get back to someone that y'all kind of know something about, than someone you don't know anything nigh".

Celebrating what'south changed

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is sensation of what'south changed in the time yous've spent autonomously. You lot may be disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because you lot're not aware of how they might take grown and changed in a positive way over time. With an ex, you get more of a before-and-later snapshot. Kuriansky says ane of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women's networking organisation called FemCity, who's spoken publicly about how she remarried her ex-married man of xx years in 2019. "When we started to date again, it was nice because we knew each other, but certain elements of us had changed," she says. "Nosotros both worked on areas we needed to work on while autonomously, and we were in many ways 'new' to one another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the break-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to get me thoughtful gifts, and will now cease randomly and share his love for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the start fourth dimension around."

Conversely, if you've spent a long time away from someone, become back together and find that you fall into the aforementioned toxic patterns equally before with that person, that noesis can be advantageous, too. Sensing that you're going to meet the same headaches all once again could give you the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel like, 'oh gosh, maybe I tin can piece of work through that gridlock issue we had'," says McNulty. But he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable problems were earlier, and really take an honest look at whether or not everything's different now".

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for everyone, human relationship experts say, only the familiarity that exists can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sex'

Before yous start sliding into your ex's DMs, enquire yourself why you're doing it – considering enough tin can go wrong.

While one of the joys of getting dorsum with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort tin exist misplaced, especially lately as nosotros seem to live amid constant chaos. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, which studies sexual activity and relationships, suggested that every bit many as ane in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call it 'apocalyptic dear and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'at that place ain't no tomorrow, so I better settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it'southward common for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense at that place could non exist a tomorrow – now with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a land of Armageddon", and so they want to become back to a person who at one fourth dimension provided love and security.

Take a hard wait at why you're reaching out to an old flame. Is it because you're trying to quiet anxiety from scary news headlines past seeking comfort from an former flame, and not considering you actually miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very real try of making it work? If it's the latter, have that every bit a red flag.

Kuriansky also advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family unit before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the relationship ended badly. But the purpose of this practise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back downward to Earth and remind yous why the relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people'southward opinions. Most people will say, 'What? You're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are you going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be ready to confront those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, but with your ex themselves, which tin can be the hardest function. "That is one piece that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the by in the by," says de Ayala. "There is then much history that can be dragged up, simply in that location has to be a mutual agreement that from hither forward, forgiveness, advice and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what will carry the relationship further into the futurity, she says.

Many of us may discover ourselves longing for a lost honey. If we go about it in a realistic, healthy way, it could, possibly, work out – if both people are on the aforementioned page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

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